My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
