my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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