You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
