we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
