apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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