I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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