My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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