She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize