i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
