Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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