this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
