I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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