uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
