I'm lost and stupid without you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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