i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
