Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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