I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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