my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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