...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
