did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
