I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
