if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
