I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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