I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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