I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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