That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
And then he peed in my hair
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