That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
