he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
