I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
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He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You were trust falling into bushes
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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