this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
