party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
