i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
