Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
