They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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