My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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