i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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