Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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