i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
