i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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