Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
