I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
