then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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