I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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