how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
