I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I am spending my child support on dildos
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
