Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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