all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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