did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
