He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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