I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.