my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.