My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
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Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
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Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.