Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
