so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it penis luge time yet?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
