Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
