he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you had me at cake vodka
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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