it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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