According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
