My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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