Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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