Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
