I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
