next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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