I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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