I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
