Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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