I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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