i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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