i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
